


When I Lose Faith In All I Do

by MidnightRavenFromTheClock



Series: 3B Is Killing Me [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alec tries to break up, Angst, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Communication, Dark, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode s03ep18 The Beast Within, Episode: s03ep17 Heavenly Fire, Ghost Ragnor Fell, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Protective Alec Lightwood, Suicidal Thoughts, and fails, asmodeus is an asshole, no break up, screw that guy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-11 01:20:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18419864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightRavenFromTheClock/pseuds/MidnightRavenFromTheClock
Summary: Magnus regards the view before him. The world hasn’t looked quite the same since his trip to Edom, now Magnus makes sure to linger on the things he’s always found beautiful in the past - like the way the water reflects the stars. Magnus sighs, Brooklyn Bridge is quite a sight.Or Ragnor is a good friend and death won't stop him from slapping some sense into Magnus.





	When I Lose Faith In All I Do

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for suicidal themes and depression.
> 
> Can I just cry about last weeks episode? And next weeks' one, I mean come on! :'(  
> Also I really should proof-read this but I also really want to just post it?

Even the New York city lights aren’t enough to drown out the stars, not when the night is so clear and oddly empty. Must be all those demons causing chaos on the streets, Halloween tends to bring out the worst of the hell dimensions. The Shadowhunters certainly have their hands full…

Shaking off the thought, Magnus regards the view before him. The world hasn’t looked quite the same since his trip to Edom, now Magnus makes sure to linger on the things he’s always found beautiful in the past - like the way the water reflects the stars. Magnus sighs, Brooklyn Bridge is quite a sight.

He lingers at the edge of the street. It’s not the first time he’s found himself here – a different time, a different bridge – and yet he’s never experienced anything like _this_ , and he’s never been this alone while doing it. Sure, sure Magnus has friends – the Shadowhunters and Simon with Luke, who are consumed by yet another catastrophe in the making; Maya who’s gone to deal with her own issues; Tessa in the spiral labyrinth and Cat busy with Madzie – the few warlocks not scared away by Lorenzo’s threats. And then there’s _Alec_ , devoted and loving as if he could love the pain right out of Magnus. As if somehow it could be that simple. Seeing Alec realize the hopelessness of this plan bit by bit is almost worse than him not caring at all. Before, Magnus had Ragnor, and Raphael and despite all her faults even Camille. People who each knew and understood him in their own ways, if only he had them tonight maybe he wouldn’t be spending the beautiful night staring at Brooklyn Bridge. But here he is.

Magnus steps on the bridge. He feels bad, Alec was so torn when the demon alerts came at the institute, he’d offered to stay but Magnus swore up and down he’d be alright. _Go do your job, Shadowhunter_ , he’d said affectionately and some of the tension melted from Alec’s shoulders. He’d like to say he meant it at the time, but Magnus is too familiar with his own demons for that. _It’s okay as long as he’s back before Alec_ , Magnus tells himself now. He stops in the very middle of the bridge and tries to find the water over the safety beams. He’s too high up to see the reflection of the stars now, and he waves at the darkness with what would have once been a sight enhancement spell half-heartedly. He chuckles darkly, he’s so empty he imagines even the East River wouldn’t pull him under, wouldn’t that be ironic?

“Must you always make everything so dramatic?”

Startling, Magnus turns to see a figure leaning against the railing by his side.

Magnus gasps. “You’re here?”

And Ragnor Fell sighs, shaking his head slowly. “Where else would I be?”

Magnus studies him, his _oldest friend_ , the loss is still so very fresh in Magnus’s already heavy mind.

“You don’t seem happy to see me.” Ragnor observes.

“Because I wish you were real.”

“Am I not?”

Magnus opens his mouth and closes it, shaking his head and resting his hands against the railing. “Did it hurt?”

“It does now. Watching you tear yourself apart and not being able to do anything about it is one of the worst pains I’ve ever experienced.”

“Ragnor-” Magnus glances at his friend sadly.

“How is the Shadowhunter anyway?”

Magnus glares. “ _Alec_ is doing great.”

“Is he now? Even after what happened at the wedding?”

“He’s head of the institute, he has everything he ever wanted… but you already knew that, didn’t you?”

“Maybe, and I’m making a leap here, your boyfriend isn’t as _content_ as you think. But _you_ already knew _that_. You’ve always been quick to push people away, Magnus.”

“I’m-” _not pushing him away_ … Magnus swallows the lie. “ _trying_ not to.”

“I know you are.”

“ _He’s_ trying so hard.”

Ragnor smiles. “He loves you.”

“Yeah…” Magnus returns the smile before letting it fall. “And I tried for him. I tried to live without magic,” Keeping himself busy with experiencing all he possibly could, trying to help the institute… “but I can’t.”

Ragnor frowns, raising his hand and then lowering it with a pained expression. “You did well enough in the beginning.”

“But then I still had options. And when I got desperate enough I went begging to Lorenzo. It never fit right,” He glances at Ragnor. “but it was better than nothing. I don’t even have that anymore. I’ll never get my magic back.”

He half expects Ragnor to tell him how he’s more than the magic, how he doesn’t truly need it – all the well-meaning things his friends have been feeding him over the past weeks. Instead Ragnor looks at Magnus with grief that could level his own, and Magnus feels warm at the reminder that this is _Ragnor_ , who not only completely understands Magnus as a person, but also knows what magic is to a warlock.

For a moment they stand in silence, before Ragnor clears his throat. “There is one more way.”

“ _What?_ ”

“And yet you haven’t even considered it, why is that?”

“Oh.” Magnus deflates. “My father isn’t going to just hand it back to me, not even for a _dozen_ lofts.”

“But he did give you a price.”

“A terrible one!”

“And even now you won’t take it. Despite what you say, you _are_ choosing Alec over your magic.”

“Well…” Magnus considers it. “yes. It’s not just him though.”

“It’s this world. So don’t give up on it now, or on Alec.”

“I…” Magnus sighs, Ragnor is right and if Magnus was in a better headspace it might even make him feel better. Today, it just makes him feel tired and confused. “I didn’t come here to jump.”

Ragnor winces, looking entirely unconvinced. “Really?”

“I don’t know. Did I?” He stares at the water. “I don’t know, I’m just-”

“Done?”

“No!” He blinks. “Maybe... I feel empty. It’s not even what I _can’t_ do, or that I’m aging which by the way is really some nasty salt in the wound! But I could live with that, I think.”

“Then what?”

“I don’t even feel alive. Sometimes I wonder if I never made it out of Edom, and this is some twisted dream.”

“But you did.” Ragnor says and hesitates. “But magic is our very essence, like the blood in our veins. I wish I could tell you you’re just being dramatic.”

“Not much to be done, then.”

“That doesn’t mean you just give up! You fight and lean on the people who love you, and you pull through! Or find a way to get it back, or even die trying but not like _this_.”

“I’m sorry Ragnor, I think I’m done fighting.” He chuckles in the silence that falls between them. “You know, I was wrong before - this isn’t different at all. I spent all this time getting myself into a good place and I still ended up back here. Maybe that’s just how it is, you never truly recover.”

“ _Magnus-_ ”

“You want me to go back, that’s why you’re here, right? But then what? Even if I somehow get my magic back and it doesn’t kill me, what about _next time_?”

“ _Magnus_!” Ragnor goes to grab Magnus’s hand but it goes right through, and so Magnus pulls himself over the railing and onto the safety beam, breathing heavily.

“Magnus…” Ragnor’s voice shakes like it rarely ever did, it makes Magnus want to cry. “You told Alec you’d be alright tonight.” He reminds in a gentle voice, heavy with the things unsaid.

Magnus counts his breaths in the silence that follows. How can he see the world on equal ground again? And make that aching in his bones, and his mind and _his_ _heart_ go away. Or say ‘ _I have everything I need right here_ ’ and mean it, when anything less sounds like ‘ _you’re not enough_ ’? “Yeah.” He closes his eyes and counts five breaths. “I did say that.” And he grips the railing while he hauls himself back to the main bridge, only letting go once his feet are firmly on the ground. “I should go before he gets worried.” He says and glances at Ragnor. “Will I see you again?”

“I don’t know.” Ragnor says sadly. “But I will see you. I’m with you, Magnus.”

“I’d be nice to have you here for this.”

“I’d slap some sense into you.” Ragnor says gently, his eyes far too clouded with worry.

Magnus chuckles. “You would do that.”

“Talk to him, Magnus. You must _fight_ for him.”

“You still give good advice.” He turns to go.

“And Magnus,” Ragnor calls, he glances at the city thoughtfully and then back at Magnus. “What we talked about regarding your father’s deal… tell Alec that.”

“Wha-” Magnus cuts off, staring at the empty bridge. “ _Goodbye,_ old friend _._ ” He turns towards the institute.

* * *

Magnus comes back just as Alec is discarding his bloodied jacket.

“Alexander.”

Alec turns, relief making his shoulders sag. “Magnus,” He pulls Magnus into a hug, pulling back to look at him all too soon. “I came back and you were gone, I was- I…”

“Worried?” Magnus supplies when it doesn’t look like Alec will finish his sentence. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, you’re here now.” Alec smiles and Magnus feels a pang of his own relief that’s probably a good sign. Things don’t seem quite as bleak with Alec here, hands still resting on Magnus’s shoulders.

Suddenly Alec frowns and steps back, letting his arms drop.

“Alexander?”

“I just- we need to talk.”

Magnus freezes, does Alec somehow know what he almost did tonight?

“When you said before that I wanted this,”

“Alexander, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“No, you were right.”

“What?” Magus gapes.

“I did want this. And it’s terrible, but I just thought if we could grow old together we could make things work, and now I see I was wrong.”

“Alexander, I’m not following you.”

Alec closes his eyes as if steeling himself. “You’ll never be happy as a mundane, I’m just- not enough.”

“Alec.”

“I wanted so badly to be enough.”

 _You are_ , Magnus doesn’t say, because he’s too caught up in his own depression to know if he means it. “What are you saying?”

“I think-” Alec gasps. “I think we should break up.”

Magnus stares numbly, unsure what he’s hearing because it makes even less sense than losing his magic did.

“It’s for the best.” Alec says and his voice is resolute but his eyes are too wet for him to mean it.

At least that’s what Magnus tells himself, anything else is too terrible to think about. _He should have jumped off that bridge_. “I don’t understand why you’re saying these things.” He chokes.

“Because it’s the truth! We don’t work, you said it yourself, you’re not- and I’m- _Raziel_.” He shuts his eyes. “It’s just over, okay?”

Alec peeks at Magnus warily, as if he’s a time bomb… And he is, his mind already spiraling back to Blackfairs Bridge, but then-

 _His conversation with Ragnor_ – the warning before he disappeared. Magnus gasps. “ _Bastard_.”

Alec flinches and some of the tears manage to fall. “Magnus, I-”

“No, no, not you.” Magnus hurries. “ _Asmodeus_. He talked to you, didn’t he? No,” He shakes his head, the pieces quickly clicking together. “ _you_ talked to _him_.”

Alec’s eyes widen and Magnus curses under his breath.

“You stupid, self-sacrificing Nephilim.” Magnus says the last part affectionately.

“I don’t know what- I- what?” Alec stutters, wide-eyed and stunned.

Magnus wants to ask _why_ , but he quickly realizes he knows the answer. “What did he ask from you?” He asks instead, and Alec looks away but Magnus already know this answer as well. He sighs and reaches out for Alec’s cheek, but Alec flinches away.

“Magnus I’m sorry. But I had to do it. You can have your _magic_ back.”

“Not like this.”

“I can’t be the reason you don’t have magic.”

“What? Alec-”

“You’ll hate me. Maybe not now, but you will.”

Magnus tries to step closer again. “Alexander, I would never hate you.”

“Then I hate myself!”

Magnus gapes. _What a pair we are_ , he thinks.

“Please Magnus, you have a chance at happiness and you have to take it.”

Magnus shakes his head sadly. “Magic isn’t my happiness, Alexander. It _is_ something integral, but… not happiness. That’s _you_. I really wish you hadn’t gone to my father, he lives on emotional manipulation.”

“I just want you to be okay.”

“I know.” Magnus sighs. “And I’m sorry I’m not making it easy. The truth is I always had this offer from my father, it was the first deal he tried making with me when I went to Edom.”

“To… break up with me?”

“To rule at his side, like he’s always wanted.”

Alec gasps, eyes wide with horror. Magnus didn’t tell him this, clearly he should have.

“That’s why he took my magic, knowing I wouldn’t be able to li- _well._ He knew what it would do to me. And now he tried doing the same thing through you. But what I’m trying to say is I could’ve made this deal any time, and I didn’t, because this price isn’t worth it.”

“But you wouldn’t have to stay in Edom for this.”

“It doesn’t matter, I chose you.”

Alec hesitates for another moment before sighing and pulling Magnus into his arms. “I thought I was about to lose you. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean any of it.” He breathes into Magnus’s back and Magnus tenses, because he _almost did_.

“Magnus?” Alec pulls back to look at him again. “What’s wrong?”

Now it’s Magnus’s turn to look away.

Alec frowns, studying him. “How did you know I talked to Asmodeus?”

As much as Magnus’s instincts are struggling to shut Alec down, he decides he might as well take another piece of Ragnor’s advice.

“Ragnor told me.” He says and watches Alec’s brows disappear into his hairline.

He studies Magnus carefully. “Ragnor is dead.”

“Yeah.” Magnus whispers.

“You… talked to him?”

“He appeared to me tonight. I have no idea how.”

“I didn’t know that was possible.”

“Me neither… He looked so real.”

“That’s… that’s great. You got to talk to him.” Alec smiles. “Do you have any idea what migth’ve caused it?”

“Yeah.” Magnus nods, steeling himself. “I think he appeared because I needed him… Needed him to stop me.”

Alec freezes. “Stop you from what?”

“Alec, tonight after you left my thoughts just spiraled. I went out to clear my head. I didn’t have a _plan_ , you must know that. But I ended up on Brooklyn Bridge.”

“Magnus.” Alec tightens his grip on Magnus’s shoulders. “By the Angel.”

Magnus stares at the bed, he can’t stand the disappointment he’s sure to find in Alec’s eyes.

“Magnus, look at me.” Alec coaxes gently, his voice shakes just like Ragnor’s had and Magnus thinks about standing on that safety beam, the wind on his face.

“I was so stupid.” He says bitterly.

“Magnus, _please_.” Alec asks and Magnus finally meets his eyes, surprised at seeing them filled with tears once again. “Was- was it because of the magic? You’ve decided you’d rather… _die_ than live without it?” Alec asks looking visibly pained.

“I don’t… know what to tell you, Alec.”

“I- I’ve been there too. _Please_ , just help me understand.”

“It wasn’t that logical. This stuff isn’t _supposed_ to be logical. It’s just a feeling that won’t leave you alone, a decision that seems to make all the sense in the world at the time. A possibility of peace.”

Alec looks wrecked, but he nods and takes a shuddering breath. “And now?”

“Now, I feel better.”

“Be honest about this, Magnus. I need to know if, if…”

“I really do feel better, Alec. Honestly, I can’t say there’s no part of me that doesn’t wish I’d just gone through with it,” Magnus regrets the choice of words when Alec winces, horror filling his eyes. “ _But_ , being here with you now also reminds me of what I almost threw away, and I’m glad I didn’t. I just…” He squeezes his eyes shut.

“Just what, Magnus?”

“I feel hollow without magic, and I’m frustrated at myself for letting myself spiral _back there_ , after everything-”

“Wait, _back_?”

“Oh…”

“What does that mean, Magnus?”

“I think you know what it means.” Magnus says gently.

“I mean…” Alec rails off, looking unhappy at the connections his mind draws. “I noticed what you said after Max’s rune ceremony, but I just never really thought about it.”

“Well, it was a _very_ long time ago.”

Alec shakes his head. “But it’s still affecting you now.”

“I thought I’d gotten over it.” Magnus mumbles, thinking back to his earlier train of thought. “Do you think anyone ever really does?”

Alec looks like he wants to blurt _yes,_ but he pauses to consider it. “I think they must, I chose to believe that. I mean I stood on a ledge once and everything seemed so helpless. And now I know how many amazing things I would have missed out on if you hadn’t pulled me back. And even if I somehow end up back there, I think I’ll be okay as long as I have you.”

Magnus soaks in the words, like magic they settle into his broken edges and start smoothing out the worst. He grabs Alec’s hand and squeezes. “Thank you.” He whispers.

Alec squeezes back. “Thank you, Ragnor.”Alec breathes out. “I’ll forever be indebted to him for pulling you back, and I never even got to meet him.”

“It wasn’t only Ragnor, Alexander. I came back for you.”

“Thank the Angel.” Alec sighs. “Magnus I’ll find a way to get your magic back. I don’t know how, but I will.”

“Don’t make those kind of promises, Alec.”

“Well, I just did. Okay?” He stares at Magnus intently, until Magnus nods and Alec sags with relief. “Just tell me what’s going through your head, and if you ever even think about…” He gestures, _dying_ left unsaid between them. “You have to tell me. Even if you think it’s nothing, even if it _is_ nothing, I just want to know.”

“Okay.”

“I’m just- I’m terrified of losing you.”

“I know, I-”

“I feel like you’re slipping through my fingers.” Alec says desperately.

“Oh, Alexander.” Magnus breathes and pulls Alec into his arms. He could’ve lost this tonight, these small moments of happiness, though scares right now. And that’s what he was fighting for. That’s what he needs to _keep_ fighting for. “I’m here,” He breathes into Alec’s back. “I’m here.”

**Author's Note:**

> Oh the 'part of series' thing is because I'm planing more one shots concerning this episode.


End file.
